True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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