I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
