I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
