I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
