My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
