i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
