She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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