Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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