god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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