My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
