yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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