i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize