This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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