Umm I'm too high to move.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
