Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
