Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
