My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
