my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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