areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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