im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There r osticjed everywhere
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
