I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
