cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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