Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
