mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize