I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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