Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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