My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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