Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
