If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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