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she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize