I just gift wrapped bread.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
