I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
