i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
