wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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