Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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