She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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