i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
