We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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