I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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