I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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