i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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