apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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