The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
