after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
