so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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