When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
