If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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