By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
