So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
