I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize