Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize