I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
