Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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