Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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