Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
