It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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