you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Couch. On fire.
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