His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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