between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
