i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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