I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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