Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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