Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
