I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
