Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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