Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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