The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
