she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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