I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize