quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
