Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Never underestimate the power of titties
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
