the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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